Through this blog series about mental health and online learning, we are exploring the many challenges students face, whether learning online or not, the ways our online students can combat these issues, and the supports available for Smart Schools students when those problems grow too big to handle alone.
Whether you are someone who is energized by being surrounded by others or are more introverted, the relationships you keep and cultivate in your life will have a strong impact on your overall mental health. If you are surrounded by individuals who engage in toxic behaviors or those who behave or communicate violently, then you will experience life in a different way from someone who is not. This is why the relationships and types of communication you have in your life are so important.
The Impact of Relationships in Your Life
Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker, said that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If your group is full of people committed to the hustle and grind culture or those who highly value achievement, you’ll likely find yourself committed to much of the same. If your friends spend more time focusing on fun or friendship, your life will hopefully be filled with similar values and events. We present these different things without judgment because your life should be filled with people aligned to your personal values.
In order to cultivate a group that pushes you to be your best, you have to first determine what your personal values are. Take a moment now to write down keywords that align to your values system - what is most important to you? How do you spend most of your time? What do you want your life and your future to look like? Knowing these things will help you to cultivate a life you love, and to ensure you are surrounded by the right team of people.
Once you have decided what matters most to you in your life, you can then look at the people who are in your life. Are there friends, family, or other relationships in your life that are in direct opposition to your core values? Perhaps these are people who you should consciously decide to spend less time with or to draw very specific boundaries in order to save your sanity and peace. Are there those in your life who push you closer to your values? These are probably relationships you should spend more time investing in or working to grow closer with.
Cultivating Relationships You Love
Editing the groups of people who have close contact and can positively or negatively impact your life can dramatically change your trajectory. But sometimes when we look around at those closest to us and see lots of toxic traits and negative coping behaviors, it can feel like placing boundaries around our time means we will be completely alone. Cultivating relationships that have a positive effect on you can be difficult, especially if you’ve only ever known negative relationships.
First, know the difference between truly toxic relationships and ones that simply annoy you. For example, when a parent or friend tells you “like it is” or gives you feedback you don’t love to hear, that can be difficult, annoying, and even hurtful. Many people will say that their intention wasn’t to challenge you or hurt you. But even if their intention is to help you, that doesn’t change the impact. So when evaluating whether a relationship is toxic, look at how they respond when told how they have hurt you. If they excuse their behavior or blame you for your own sensitivities, this may be a toxic relationship.
Additionally, learn how to communicate non-violently. In Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, he outlines how you can approach these situations. Start by identifying your own emotions. How do you feel - frustrated, lonely, unsupported? Then ask yourself why. Then, when you express your feelings, follow this format: “When you [said or did] X, I felt Y.” This book also includes great suggestions for empathizing with others and apologizing when you’ve done something wrong, but this is a great start for communicating your emotions to others.
Coping with Feelings of Loneliness
When discussing relationships, it is important to acknowledge one feeling that is felt by human beings universally - loneliness. Every human has felt and will feel lonely throughout their journey through humanity. However, it is incredibly important to remember that you are never alone.
While knowing that loneliness is experienced universally is one thing, coping with those feelings can be entirely different. There is always support, love, and help if you reach outside of yourself. That may mean joining a club or a class - your school, library, or local community center can be a great place to start looking for free or low-cost options. Additionally, many people find great solace in the communities they create and find online. And anyone with a pet knows the healing powers of their snuggles when they are having a bad day.
But finding and creating community cannot fix all things. Sometimes, these feelings become too big to manage on your own. Reaching out to a therapist or counselor can help. While the stigma around mental health, therapy, and drug interventions have decreased in recent years, it is important to reiterate that these tools can help you. They do not represent a weakness or personal failure, but actually, strength that you have reached out at all. Finding the support you need means you are fighting, and that should be celebrated.